Friday, October 4, 2013

Trying to Listen

I'm terrible at blogging....I never get to it when I should. So....starting over, erased all that was before which may not have been worth much anyway. :) In the truest sense, and for many reasons, this is a new chapter in my life anyway. What did the wise person say, "It's OK to look back, just don't stare"?
I prefer to move on....

I have a hard time with blogging in a sense, wondering if what I'm saying has any real meaning for anyone, trying to keep that human narcissistic tendency dampened down, but ironically, that is the subject of this blog.

The last 3 weeks, for one complete day in each of those weeks, I worked through those days being completely un-me. The word that kept coming up in my consciousness was, "You are completely lost today.....". Intellectually, really there was no reason to feel this way. Emotionally, I was not really either one way or the other, mostly in the "neutral zone" that I tend to try and stay in, not getting too high or too low, the why of that, would probably bore you. I wish I could describe this emotional and mental space adequately, I was literally no where, feeling almost nothing. I felt like all of the engines inside of me were simply off, wallowing in a hole of darkness.

So, the 3rd day of this process was yesterday. I had trained clients early as usual and was then working through my own workout. The gym was fairly empty at this point and as I was resting for a moment, took a glance to the East, outside the gym windows. There was a layer of low-lying clouds, with the rising sun just below them. Beautiful. I couldn't help but walk to the door and then step out. As the door closed, the sound of the gym disappeared and I was standing looking at a wonderful Creation sun rise in total silence. As I walked across the empty parking lot towards the sun now rising in full glory, my heart and soul, empty from the beginning of the day, were now filling....the Spirit inside me growing and the unmistakable thoughts in my head, "I am Everything. I can do Anything. Listen to Me."

I fought the tears back and strolled on across the lot, enjoying the sense of being filled again, of gaining back that energy that the Spirit provides me as I move through each day. I stepped back in the gym minutes later and finished what I had to do, saw the rest of my clients and then went home around noon as I normally do. As I relaxed in bed, the ceiling fan swirling silently above me, in one of those rare moments of silence and clarity, the purpose of the above came to sit there with me.

God wanted me to feel what too many people feel every day, that sense of hopelessness, of feeling completely lost, and that they feel this way day after day after day. They literally spend their days spinning around in space, just like that fan and going absolutely nowhere, just like that fan. The lesson for me was that as much as I THINK I am good at empathizing, at putting myself in someone else's shoes so I can find some common ground to get them started on a path to better health and fitness, I really don't have ANY IDEA what they are feeling.....none, whatsoever. This gift was a glimpse of that, I reminder of how totally screwed up this world has gotten and totally screwed up so many people's lives are. And also a stern reminder, I'm never as "all that" as might think I am, that I do not have all the answers and I must continually be still, and listen to what He is trying to tell me.

It is my tendency to call out narcissism quickly and frequently (posers top my list of people I do not want to share the same room with), but through this I now know that I'm as much as anyone else, at what I am so quick to judge. In that narcissistic state, I can in no way connect to others, in any tangible way that makes any difference to them. In this sense, I am failing them, miserably. The irony of this is not lost on me, He communicates good irony. :)

I am charged now to tune in much better, to listen more intently and to truly attempt to step in the shoes of others as I work through my day, work with my clients and continue trying to be a servant to those in my life. But beyond the empathy and tenderness, there will be times that the honesty of what they need to hear, that is very, very hard for me to say, will be said. I hope and pray that in that brief moment of pain I can share with them a path to get them where they want to go, that they will trust me to take them there and then have the courage and strength to stay on that path with them - trying moment by moment, to walk in their shoes.

Lastly, without the Holy Spirit inside of me, none of the above really matters, or makes sense. I am what I am and where I am, because of that Spirit, because Christ is my Savior, because I have accepted that I am simply a sinner, and without Christ's grace and forgiveness.....there is nothing out there in the black night but pain and emptiness.

Message received, Lord. As always, thank you. :)